Help, I'm being chased around the internet by Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle. He first appeared about six months ago, his impish face rising up from the bottom of hundreds of web pages, smiling serenely like he knew some catastrophe was coming that I'd be powerless to stop. Why was he there, this mildly famous child actor? What was he doing at the foot of almost every website I visited? What did he want?
Most of the time, it seems, he wants to tell me about what young stars did after the acting role that made them famous. Sometimes, rather more cruelly, he's trying to convince me that "ugly child actors" have finally grown into attractive people. Dewey's face appears to me via ads from companies like Taboola and OutBrain, content marketing platforms that try and tease me to click on stories "you may like" from "around the web."
These services promote everything from the worst kind of slideshow content farms to theNew York Times, but for some reason, I got stuck with Dewey. Honestly, I was tempted to click the first few times. I found myself growing attached to his jug-eared face, developing a kind of Stockholm Syndrome as he appeared at the bottom of everything from celebrity gossip to sports scores. I rationalized it to myself: as a child star who disappeared from screens following the finale of Malcolm in the Middle, I figured he would be uniquely positioned to tell me about his peers. Maybe he wasn't doing so well these days? Maybe I should help him out with a click?
Classically, these platforms have used aspirational images — fit and semi-naked figures, vast mansions, or stacks upon stacks of cash — to tempt viewers into clicking, but it seems lately these tactics have changed. Before Dewey, I was being menaced by a woman eating a bowl of ramen while seemingly dressed as a sunflower, a ring of pink ridged plastic firmly affixed to her face. She was, I deduced after the fifth time I saw the ad appear, wearing it to avoid getting noodle soup splashback onto her clothes or hair, but the picture seemed uniquely unsuited to the headline I commonly saw alongside the picture: "10 Things Japanese People Do Better Than All Of Us." If cosplaying as a dilophosaurus just to eat dinner is doing life better, I'm happy living worse.
The targeting technology behind these ad services is mysterious, but I'm assuming that the ramen shield article was targeted at me because I live in Japan, and regularly use sites in both English and Japanese. By the same token, I often see sponsored links to cheap flights, foreign exchange companies, and ex-pat insurance deals. But in Dewey's case, I'm stumped. The only connections I can tie it to are my wife's undying love for the Home Alone movies, and the day I spent idly Googling Macaulay Culkin's pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band.
So far, I've stayed strong, resisting clicking on both Dewey and the lamp-faced lady, but I've been burned by this kind of advertising before. I remember clicking on a small, clear, gelatinous blob on a web page sidebar. "Doctors say you should never eat this food," it said, and I agreed — blob-based diets are rarely recommended — but I was consumed by curiosity. What was this thing? I would brave hell, high water, and fifty pop-up ads to find out. But I never did find out. I was sent trudging through ad-infested pages for weight-loss pills and magic diets, but the blob remained unidentified. What was the blob? Why do doctors hate it so? What should I do if one day I ate one?
I don't want Dewey to become another blob, but I also don't want to let him win. I see him, smiling, welcoming, out of the corner of my eye for several hours a day, but I won't click. I could simply install AdBlock and remove him from large sections of my life, but as a fellow Content Creator on the internet, I'm loathe to deprive other sites of ad revenue, especially as parts of the internet are now starting to crack down on its usage. Instead, Dewey and I have reached an agreement — he lives on my computers, and I leave him alone.
Loading...
Home » Unlabelled » First Click: I'm being chased around the internet by Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle
About Me
Blog Archive
-
▼
2016
(151)
-
▼
May
(151)
- Tokyo Thrift: Infobar is the most beautiful series...
- The Indistinguishable X-Men: the narrowing range o...
- Facebook and Microsoft team up to lay a massive in...
- Mars is emerging from an ice age that ended about ...
- Google’s Project Ara is about more than just modul...
- Who comes up with a $700 Wi-Fi-connected juicer?
- The foggy numbers of Obama’s wars and non-wars
- Brady’s deadline to appeal suspension is about to ...
- UK's National Obesity Forum slams 'disastrous' low...
- Contactless payments tripled in popularity in the ...
- Why a glowing button might be more important than ...
- Civil War's Arrested Development Easter egg shows ...
- AudioQuest's NightHawk headphones sound as beautif...
- Will virtual reality kill the YouTube comment?
- Google built a tiny radar system into a smartwatch...
- How Frank Underwood helped Monument Valley find a ...
- Apple just revealed the future of its retail stores
- The Sex Factor is a porn reality show straight out...
- The TSA will ruin your summer vacation and no one ...
- Why Google's Allo messaging app is a big step back...
- Robin Wright used Claire Underwood's popularity to...
- Google Home: a speaker to finally take on the Amaz...
- Daydream will be the reason you'll want a 4K phone
- A first look at Android Wear 2.0
- How many Apple engineers does it take to fix iTunes?
- Google I/O 2016: Android N, Chrome OS, virtual rea...
- You can now put a sunroof in your private jet
- Microsoft is selling its feature phone business to...
- Vatican Cardinal to Americans: ‘In Your Nation, Go...
- After bombings in Baghdad kill 77, Sadr's forces d...
- Justice Department Opens Investigation Into Russia...
- Millions more Americans to be eligible for overtim...
- Clinton, Sanders in tight Ky. race; Sanders, Trump...
- Iran cracks down on female models posing without h...
- Hiker found dead in New Mexico, end of monthslong...
- Obama says Transgender bathroom rule a matter of d...
- Google's latest app, Spaces, aims to simplify grou...
- On Coloring Book, Chance the Rapper wades joyfully...
- Confessions of a Red Guard, 50 years after China's...
- Trump: London mayor made 'very rude statements' ab...
- Guess what? Your password can be hacked in millise...
- Democrats: Benghazi chairman ignores statement by ...
- Faraday Future says its electric car could be more...
- Samsung Notebook 9 review: redefining the thin-and...
- Grace and Frankie is the secret weapon in Netflix'...
- Google plans to start blocking Flash in Chrome thi...
- A long talk with Facebook about its role in journa...
- Facebook CEO wants to meet with conservatives amid...
- Trump and GOP leaders bury hatchet on bizarre day
- Apple invests in Chinese Uber rival Didi Chuxing
- Letter from Africa: Kenyans beg for mercy
- Cupertino's mayor says Apple is 'not willing to pa...
- A look inside the Department of Homeland Security'...
- 'We need fundamental changes': US doctors call for...
- North Korea puts on once-in-a-generation political...
- Sandy Hook victims’ families get access to gun man...
- Canadian wildfire edges south, leaves thousands st...
- US names prominent Panama family big money launderers
- Town increases security with escaped inmate on the...
- North Korea congress starts; foreign media kept ou...
- Top reason Americans will vote for Trump: "To stop...
- How virtual reality can change the way we see gend...
- Lawsuit challenging Facebook’s facial recognition ...
- Israel discovers cross-border tunnel from Gaza
- See the Religious Text the U.S. Government Printed...
- George Bell: The battle for a bishop's reputation
- A robot surgeon has passed a major milestone — sew...
- Company behind Kickstarter's thinnest ever watch d...
- This Is Fine creator explains the timelessness of ...
- A BITTER PILL
- Uncharted 4 is one big action movie cliche — and i...
- MacBook 2016 review: all of the possibilities, all...
- The Giant Al Qaeda Defeat That No One’s Talking Ab...
- Islam Under Fire in Europe’s Two Biggest Nations
- The spark of life: Science and the Bible meet again
- Pope condemns pedophilia as details of girl's deat...
- With five-year delay, CIA 'live-tweets' bin Laden ...
- Aretha Franklin Covers “Purple Rain” At White Hous...
- First US-to-Cuba cruise ship in decades sets sail
- Why So Many Chinese Students Come to the U.S.
- Would Trump be least ‘presidential’ president ever?
- Elephants perform for final time at Ringling Bros.
- How lives of Osama Bin Laden's neighbours changed ...
- Australia will use the herpes virus to eradicate i...
- Stanford team made a humanoid robot that can stand...
- Anything is a bath bomb if you throw it in a bath
- Apple's great taste doesn't extend to grammar
- Volvo autonomous car engineer calls Tesla’s Autopi...
- If Tribeca 2016 had a theme, it might be 'adulting...
- SpaceX plans to send a spacecraft to Mars as early...
- Doctors: Give E-Cigarettes To Smokers
- An Alabama city now says people who violate its ba...
- Third Of Brits Think Sexting Is Not Cheating
- PM Joins Former Union Boss In 'Brexit' Warning
- Identity 2016: 'Global citizenship' rising, poll s...
- Syria conflict: UN envoy calls on US and Russia to...
- Afghan heroin addicts seek recovery in a former NA...
- Donald Trump's foreign policy: 'America first'
- PRINCE " NO WILL TO MAKE A WILL Finances in Chaos"
- Larry Page's dream of building a 'Google Island' c...
-
▼
May
(151)
Powered by Blogger.
Post a Comment